I, on the other hand, was a trembling lame fawn in the face of the glaring headlights of morning sickness. Or all day sickness, whatever you’re having yourself. My first trimester was my looniest by far, initially driven by the crippling fear that something bad would happen after waiting so long to get pregnant and then quickly replaced by the 11 week hangover that was morning sickness. The relentless, banging hangover that could not be soothed by a huge fry, vat of tea and a two hour kip in the afternoon.
I spent a lot of the first trimester praying, which as an atheist was most uncharacteristic to say the least.
“Oh God, please don’t let any cars drive past as I’m retching into the neighbours bushes.” (This prayer went unanswered.)
“Oh Jesus, please don’t make me have to run off the bus and then throw up on the street in front of everyone.” (Half answered: had to run, but a false alarm)
“Oh God, please get me to the end of this meeting without puking on the table.” (Answered, TG 😉 )
Visits to the supermarket were marred in stress, mostly for my husband, as I stood in the middle of the shop sweating while eyeing up the emergency exits, willing my stomach contents to stay down as the different smells from each aisle sent nausea waves of varying intensity through my body and I answered all of his questions with “I don’t know what I want. No, not that. That and that and that. Quickly.” He always maintained a strong silence while watching me fill the trolley with stuff he knew I was never going to eat but also knew better than to question my purchases.
There were days when I could only eat things that were tomato based and then the next couple of days the sight of tomatoes would make me cry. I had a bagful of food on my person at all times which I dipped into at a minimum of two hour intervals in a bid to fend off the illness. On my return from the canteen one day, with a substantial and varied paper plate of goodies bowing in the middle with the weight of them, a male colleague commented “you’re always eating, do you know that?”, at which point his surrounding female coworkers went into a communal cluck at the cheek of him. I, meanwhile, was too sick to respond and instead went back to my office and tried to curl up under my desk.
Morning sickness ruined a lot of things forever for me. There are a few things that even now make me get stick in my mouth a little when I come across them. This beautiful handwash which I had in the bathroom and had absolutely loved the smell of. It won’t darken our door again. Chanel No. 5, my signature scent for 10 years, gone forever. As I mentioned in my post about music, Horse Outside gives me the wobbles, as do both the Matt Cardle cover and Biffy Clyro original of Many of Horror (but there’s a non-morning sickness related case to be made there…).
When the fog finally lifted at the end of week 16, I was like a new woman and unbelieveably grateful to the universe for this new healthy body that let me eat. Thankfully it didn’t return towards the end of my pregnancy, which for some reason was a threat that other women loved to dangle over my head when I was feeling well. Thanks ladies. Sometimes when I get a twinge in my ovaries from the hold of a newborn baby, I remind myself that I’ll probably have to go through all that again and I know I’m not quite ready yet. 🙂
* Obviously, we’re all mom enough, I’m just being a smartarse.