I think I’m broken. Some element of my being – either my mind or my body or both colluding together – has been disrupted to the point where it would appear I am incapable of an uninterrupted night’s sleep.
I’m just back from a work related trip where I had been salivating at the idea of four whole nights in which to catch up on some restorative, healing sleep undisturbed by anyone, or indeed the thoughts of anyone, needing me in the dead of night.
But it didn’t happen.
All alone in my hotel room, in delicious darkness and a comforting silence, I drifted off to sleep in minutes only to reawaken at regular intervals for absolutely no good reason whatsoever. I was GUTTED. I’m fairly sure I even returned home less rested than if I hadn’t gone away at all. My only conclusion is that after so many months of involuntarily waking for various random lengths of time, my body clock has been completely scrambled to a point of confusion. Although a heaviness overtakes my limbs, my cheeks, my forehead, that corpse-like state never quite settles in to weigh down on my consciousness to the point of submission. I’m primed and ready to jump at a moment’s notice. My body is ripe for a retraining. (Please note, I’m only advocating self imposed sleep training on a consenting adult! ;))
I’m starting to wonder if I have elevated the idea of a perfect night’s sleep into some kind of unattainable holy grail that will cure all ills. Oh for a glorious eight whole hours filled with restful, pleasant dreams. I can almost taste it and it smells so sweet!
What if it never happens? Or what if it does happen and I don’t awaken with that sense of rested satisfaction I’m anticipating? During all those sleepless nights when I nursed a wakeful baby and dreamed of a world where he slept and didn’t need my comfort any more, never once did I think that I wouldn’t automatically click back into my old pattern of sleeping where ten hour sessions were not unheard of and I’d uncurl in the morning to stretch my rejuvenated body out like a cat that got the sleep-inducing cream.
Ah, how I miss those days…