Hours, days, weeks, months careen past me. The runaway train that I mentioned before is more under control these days but it still gallops on except now I’m standing on it, rather than dragged along behind it like a few months ago.
My world feels very narrow at the moment. Not in an oppressive, smothering way, but the focus is still very much on getting through the day and this involves the most basic of tasks: waking, eating, dressing, travelling, working, travelling, playing, eating, homemaking, caring (both of others and myself), sleeping. Administration of life takes place with a snatched five minutes during a coffee break or a nap. On a daily basis, my life revolves solely around my family. That’s just the three of us, not the much larger extended version. There is no conscious decision to exclude others but the day ends and suddenly its bedtime and there hasn’t been time for anyone else. It’s not how I’d like it to be but I think right now that’s just how it has to be and it grates with me. I feel like I can’t be the daughter-sister-friend that I want to be and should be when all of my energies are completely invested in the wife-mother-professional that I currently am.
I miss phone calls and forget to call people back. Sometimes it takes me days to reply to emails and text messages because if I don’t respond immediately they slip right out of my head as the train chugs on and on and on… There are people in my life who need support and care right now because life is being unkind to them and it wounds me deeply when I realise that in the fog of just living my life I have accidentally shifted them to the back of my mind only for them to bob up and down in my thoughts late at night or at moments when its impossible to reach out just right there and then. I wince when I think about how I don’t give of myself to them like I would have in the past. I feel like I am letting them down and you know, I am. This stage of my life means I’m living inside this mothering bubble and its integrity needs to be maintained. It’s overwhelming.
I’m sorry if that sounds like an excuse but it’s where I am right now. The reality is I am exhausted – physically, emotionally, tactually, spiritually. In a few years time, when my family isn’t so young and not so dependent on me, this will change. But right now, my energies are focused inwards on our little threesome who have to come first – always. I hope others understand that and will forgive me in time.