Where my handbag is my walking filing cabinet of life, my wallet is the brains and heart of the operation, storing up all of the critical bits and bobs so that I can pull them out at a moment’s notice in a “ta-da”, save-the-day kind of way.
But just like my own brain and heart, I tend not to take very good care of it at the best of times and fleeting bouts of keeping my wallet trim and healthy are mostly ruined by a constant stuffing and ramming of crap into it. Take receipts for example. A long, long time ago my mother drilled into me the importance of keeping a receipt for twelve months. Because if you don’t keep that receipt, you can be guaranteed that that’s the very thing that will break on you. And you have nothing to fall back on to prove your purchase. So there.
Hence my wallet is constantly jammed with skinny bits of paper. Skinny bits of paper that over a period of months add up to an injury-inducing weight in paper, which really should be caused by money, not receipts, if we all had our way. But one can dream…
Fast on the heels of the ridiculous receipt collection, is my loyal card shame.
Another trip to the shops, another chance to jam my wallet full of promises of free stuff. No matter that I may never darken the door of this establishment again, sure I’ll take an aul card anyway. Because I might. I might, you see. Be back. 10 times. To claim my free thing.
I just spotted at the weekend there – as I tried to crush another card in – that my wallet is bursting at the seams with flippin loyalty cards. Funny that, because I have no recollection of getting anything free lately.
A cleansing was required. A wallet facial, if you will. The steaming, the spot squeezing and then the lovely massaging bit. Have a look, throw out the muck and keep the gold.
- The IKEA family card. Ah, you have ta! Bargains galore. That you don’t need. But they’re on special – but only if you’ve a family card.
- Mothercare family card. Oh God, I love this one. I get free things from this one all the time. Leg it in for a hat on a cold day? It’s free! Buying some play doh? It’s free. This one’s a keeper.
- Supervalu card. It’s never given me anything but I’m afraid to throw it out. I might miss something. I think I might get coupons. But I have to remember coupons when I go shopping, so…
- Tropical Popical loyalty card. Have you been there? I can’t throw this baby out. I get something free if it’s stamped 10 times but I have no idea what. I think it’ll be awesome though, what ever it is. Only five stamps to go!
- Boots loyalty card. People are always raving about this one and I’ve never gotten anything. But I won’t throw it out because my payday must be on the way. Any day now…
- O’Brien’s loyalty card. I occasionally get a free bottle of wine with this one. It would be foolish not to continue on down this joyous road.
- Optical Shop loyalty card. Free month’s contact lenses every nine. This one is just a waiting game. They will be mine.
- A Dundrum Shopping Centre Yummy card. This one gives me discounts off loads of restaurants and coffee shops in the Dundrum Towncentre. I believe it is quite the rare thing to have in one’s possession. I always forget to use it though.
- House of Fraser loyalty card. I think I got something free with this card once, back in the pre-house, pre-kid heyday. It’s just nostalgia really at this stage. But just in case…
- Blazing Salads loyalty card x 2. I should throw these out. But I won’t.
- Coffee Angel loyalty card. I keep forgetting to take this one out of my wallet, which is a shame because I’m in there a lot and their coffee is delicious. I bet it’s even nicer when it’s free. Their painfully hipster staff irritate me though. It is just coffee, folks.
- WeightWatchers card. It has 3 silver 7s stuck to the back of it. I haven’t been to WW in maybe six years. I believe they’re not even called “points” any more. But I’m sure you’ve figured it out at this stage, just in case…
- A Starbucks card with no money on it. This was a very generous gift. Someone thought it would keep me in coffee for a long time. They must have forgotten that Starbucks also sells (not particularly appetising) food. And free food is free food. I can top this fella up. I think I get extra shots or something. Anyway, it looks pretty. It’ll stay.
Beanhive loyalty card. I don’t even know where that is.
I was going to bin my Brown Sugar loyalty card because I’ve parted with some serious cash in that place over the years – I’m sure someone might have negotiated a mortgage on the back of the money I’ve spent in there – but apart from mini cupcakes and too-cold lattes, I’ve never got a thing back from the place. They do great hair though. And there’s only three cubes to go. Although it feels like those cubes might be deleting themselves.
Wow, so now my wallet is superlight having divested itself of a surplus of loyalty cards. Oh wait…
Make me feel better! Share your loyalty card shame with me.