Tag Archives: first trimester

Thinking about another baby…

For the first couple of months after Pip was born, my body and mind were on a spiritual high. My cells and my consciousness still could not quite believe what an incredible experience giving birth had been and for a very long time afterwards my body screamed at me “again, again, go again”. Every ounce of me wanted to have another baby straight away.

Nine months of sleep deprivation* beat that out of me and by that stage, the idea of having two small babies completely dependent on me filled me with horror. What if they both didn’t sleep? What if they woke each other all the time? What if I’m awake and dead on my feet for the rest of my life? My heart would palpitate just thinking about it. But the longing for another child was still there, just whispering in the background for a while.

Pip will be 18 months soon and I find that whisper starting to get a bit louder again. I seem to be surrounded by expecting mothers and tiny newborns at the moment and I can feel the strength of the oxytocin just swirling around trying to draw me in. What a wonderful stage of life! When everyone around you is on that exciting and magical journey of creating the next generation.

Blogpost: Thinking about another baby www.mindthebaby.ie Mind The Baby Blog
lots of babies
photo credit: Raphael Goetter via photopin cc

But I find myself asking what exactly it is that I desire? Do I want to be pregnant again? Do I want to experience birthing a baby again? Do I want a nurseling? Do I want a small baby again? Do I want another child? Do I want a sibling for Pip?

I loved being pregnant I must say. Or maybe I eventually loved being pregnant. I found the first 12 weeks very difficult emotionally. Having waited so long to finally get pregnant, I was crippled with fear that I wouldn’t make it to the end of the first trimester. Even now, I find it hard to use the “m” word here when I’m writing as if I’m still holding on to some of that fear. Frankly, this is ridiculous because I was lucky enough to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy in the end when many don’t. Of course you can’t help what you feel, particularly when you’re stepping into the unknown and your body is changing and functioning on a completely new level.

I also had some pretty terrible morning sickness that I wished down on myself in those very early few weeks as a sign that I was definitely pregnant. Foolish me, it came in good time and stayed for longer than the books promised!

I would love to give birth again. Nothing prepared me for the life-changing, exhilarating intensity that was labouring and birthing my son. If I’m honest I think I could probably be pregnant and give birth far more times than the amount of children I’m prepared to raise. But you can’t have the first bit without the second bit…and there’s a world of difference between babies and children.

How many children do I want? Before, I firmly held the number four in my head, being one of four myself I suppose, and seemingly incapable of imagining life with less or more of us. My new philosophy – inspired by reality – is “one at a time” and we’ll see how it goes.

Yes, I want another child. At least two more, maybe (see above motto). I picture myself and my husband with our teenage children out for brunch in a local eatery somewhere chatting, laughing and solving the problems of the world (too Pollyanna?). At the very least I want to have a sibling for Pip. I fear for him as an only child smothered by the overwhelming and undivided love of his mama. I’ve also seen the burden of the only adult child when it comes to caring for ageing parents and I’d like to avoid that for him, if I can.

If, if. That’s the important word in all of this really. It was three years from when we decided to have a baby until we held one in our arms and we had to be helped along the way.

And one certainly doesn’t guarantee another but I am optimistic.

There’s plenty of time for dark thoughts when there’s definitely, absolutely no chance of another baby but even then, there’s no room for negativity. I’m already blessed with the most amazing, beautiful, loving, happy little boy and the memories of a great pregnancy and a magical birth. Everything else is gravy.

So it’s marrying the heart with the head. Who am I kidding? I’d love another baby, a child. My body has always known that, it’s just my mind that’s had to come around to the idea. I think it’s there now though.

*and the incredible power of Mother Nature. An exclusively breastfed baby who ate A LOT at regular intervals meant my cycle was definitely on hold so no extra babies for me, even if I wanted them!

Morning Sickness: FFS

Hyperemesis sufferers! You have my utmost sympathy and total admiration.  Now those women, they’re “mom enough“*.

I, on the other hand, was a trembling lame fawn in the face of the glaring headlights of morning sickness.  Or all day sickness, whatever you’re having yourself. My first trimester was my looniest by far, initially driven by the crippling fear that something bad would happen after waiting so long to get pregnant and then quickly replaced by the 11 week hangover that was morning sickness.  The relentless, banging hangover that could not be soothed by a huge fry, vat of tea and a two hour kip in the afternoon.

I spent a lot of the first trimester praying, which as an atheist was most uncharacteristic to say the least.

Oh God, please don’t let any cars drive past as I’m retching into the neighbours bushes.” (This prayer went unanswered.)

Oh Jesus, please don’t make me have to run off the bus and then throw up on the street in front of everyone.” (Half answered: had to run, but a false alarm)

Oh God, please get me to the end of this meeting without puking on the table.” (Answered, TG 😉 )

Visits to the supermarket were marred in stress, mostly for my husband, as I stood in the middle of the shop sweating while eyeing up the emergency exits, willing my stomach contents to stay down as the different smells from each aisle sent nausea waves of varying intensity through my body and I answered all of his questions with “I don’t know what I want. No, not that. That and that and that. Quickly.” He always maintained a strong silence while watching me fill the trolley with stuff he knew I was never going to eat but also knew better than to question my purchases.

There were days when I could only eat things that were tomato based and then the next couple of days the sight of tomatoes would make me cry. I had a bagful of food on my person at all times which I dipped into at a minimum of two hour intervals in a bid to fend off the illness.  On my return from the canteen one day, with a substantial and varied paper plate of goodies bowing in the middle with the weight of them, a male colleague commented “you’re always eating, do you know that?”, at which point his surrounding female coworkers went into a communal cluck at the cheek of him.  I, meanwhile, was too sick to respond and instead went back to my office and tried to curl up under my desk.

Photo courtesy of www.priorsrec.co.uk
Photo courtesy of www.priorsrec.co.uk

Morning sickness ruined a lot of things forever for me. There are a few things that even now make me get stick in my mouth a little when I come across them. This beautiful handwash which I had in the bathroom and had absolutely loved the smell of.  It won’t darken our door again.  Chanel No. 5, my signature scent for 10 years, gone forever. As I mentioned in my post about music, Horse Outside gives me the wobbles, as do both the Matt Cardle cover and Biffy Clyro original of Many of Horror (but there’s a non-morning sickness related case to be made there…).

When the fog finally lifted at the end of week 16, I was like a new woman and unbelieveably grateful to the universe for this new healthy body that let me eat. Thankfully it didn’t return towards the end of my pregnancy, which for some reason was a threat that other women loved to dangle over my head when I was feeling well. Thanks ladies.  Sometimes when I get a twinge in my ovaries from the hold of a newborn baby, I remind myself that I’ll probably have to go through all that again and I know I’m not quite ready yet. 🙂

* Obviously, we’re all mom enough, I’m just being a smartarse.